Turning Thirty

Written by Julie Yeeun Kim

“In a society as obsessed with work, success, productivity as ours, sometimes it’s hard to be happy when we turn a page. Even as we succeed, we’re already on to the next success, leaving us with little room to really feel joy.”

I’m turning thirty in a few months, and I’ve been devoting time to reflect on the past decade. I know a lot happens in all our twenties, but it’s hard to know just how much happens unless we stop and think. I started college at 20, started a masters at 25, then seminary at 27, became a permanent resident at 28, and got married at 29, and in between there were at least a million decisions, conversations, and contemplations that have come compose who I am today. I began reflecting thinking it would be therapeutic, but, honestly, it’s been troubling. I find myself obsessively looking for milestones, accomplishments, trajectories, evidence that I’m becoming a better, worthier person. 

I think in a society as obsessed with work, success, productivity as ours, sometimes it’s hard to be happy when we turn a page. Even as we succeed, we’re already on to the next success, leaving us with little room to really feel joy. Add in the fact that women are thought to depreciate in value with time, a new decade is daunting. We’re always asking questions: Did I do enough? Am I on track? Is my value evident? 

Maybe aging as a woman in a youth and male centered society requires more Christlikeness that I thought. Jesus was present to the people and the environment around him. He walked. He journeyed from point to point at the pace of his two feet. He didn’t seem to be in a rush or to worry about the future all that often. I want to learn how to walk, too. To and from places. Alongside people. On the ground and always on the right pace. 

The place I’m leaving and the place I’m entering are both within the kingdom, and that’s where I find my peace. The only thing that would spoil my twenties, I realize, is to leave it with regret. Similarly, the only way to spoil my thirties is to endure it with anxiety. I did enough, even when I didn’t. And as long as I walk faithfully as Jesus did, I’m always in the right place at the right time.  

Julie Yeeun Kim was born in Korea, raised in Los Angeles, and is currently based in the North NJ. She teaches in the Department of Asian and Asian American Studies at CSU, Long Beach. She likes to write on topics related to identity, family, and faith. She's a singer, songwriter, and worship leader.