A Fathers Love
Written By Violet Benjamin
Jesus; Abba, He that would never leave me.
As a child, I didn’t grow up in a Christian home. My father died when I was eight and my mother left us at a very young age. As a byproduct, my sister who was 11 at the time and I were adopted by my half-brother. We became part of his family and their 3 sons. We were loved, we were cared for, and we had a home. We were raised Mormon. We attended church every Sunday, and participated in every youth event. This was the only religion I grew to know. As I got older, I felt that part of me was missing there were holes in faith. What did I believe in? Is this “the only true church?” Is God real? How did I know there was truth to what I was taught? My religion became an obligation. Go to church, be a good person, do good and only then will you inherent eternal life. When I turned 17 I made a decision to stop going to church. I couldn’t fake it anymore. I wanted to live my life carefree.
Around the age of 21 a close friend of mine invited me to her Spanish speaking church. After several declines, I thought why not?! Just go this one time and that’s it. My understanding of Spanish was very limited but I felt Gods presence when they did worship. You know that feeling when you feel like the song or sermon was made just for you? That’s how I felt. During this time I lived a party lifestyle. I went clubbing every weekend, got drunk, and did everything possible to get attention from men. I moved further away from God, but He constantly used my friend to pour truth, kindness, and love into me. Little by little those seeds were being planted in my heart.
On New Year’s Day of 2012 I decided I was going to church. A mega church I had actually never been to, and I went alone. I was tired of being tired I was running on empty and I needed change in my life. The pastor spoke about finding our hope in Jesus. The lyrics of “How Great is our God” played on the screen, as I read each verse my heart began to melt. I couldn’t stop crying it was as if my chest was exploding. I gave my life to the Lord that night. I had made a decision that night to live my life for Jesus. I remember I went home, pulled out the Bible app on my phone and stayed up all night reading. I started in the book of Mathew and read until 5am. I couldn’t get enough of His word. It seeped into heart, it started to transform me. I started attending church regularly and served in the altar call ministry.
All those years growing up without my father, I was searching for his love, his approval, I wanted to make him proud. Jesus was always there. He saw me, He approved of me, He was proud of me. I found my security and identity in my Heavenly Father, my Abba. Who promised that He would never leave me or forsake me. I had access to Him, He wasn’t a far away God, He was near. Doing things for him wasn’t going to make him love me more. He loved me because I was His daughter. He began to heal my heart which eventually allowed me to reconnect with my birth mother on facebook and forgive her. The bitterness and resentment that had made its home in my heart began to shatter. Because He has forgiven me of all my sins, I could forgive my mother. He has performed miracles in my life, He’s taught me how to trust him, through the good and the bad. He gave me a family, he gave me hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) My story isn’t my own because it all points back to Who He is.
Today I am grateful for a relationship with a loving, faithful Father who never leaves and satisfies my heart with good things. He calls me his own. My Abba.
Violet Benjamin is a mother, and a pastors wife. She currently resides in San Diego CA where she leads womens ministry at Love of Christ Fellowship Church. She’s a lover of sneakers and she’s passionate about helping women grow within they faith.