The Perfect Mother

By Amy Choi

It wasn’t love at first sight.

And no, I’m not talking about the first time I met my husband. Instead, it was lying in a hospital bed with my first-born son in my arms. Why couldn’t I feel the joy now that I finally met him? I looked for that picture-perfect, movie moment that I was meant to be his mother but could not find it. It was nothing like what I expected it to be, and it solidified my fear during pregnancy; maybe I was never meant to be a mother at all.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve questioned if I could truly trust God. It is such a simple truth to say, but the most difficult for me to believe. As a youth, it was so easy to surrender my life to Jesus because I hadn’t experienced anything difficult yet. But as the years passed, I’ve experienced some of the hardest seasons in my life and have seen my friends go through tragedies that made me wonder if maybe God was careless with our lives. To compensate for lacking trust in God, I started to take life in my own hands by meticulously planning and striving for perfection. This method worked for me for a little while when I was single, but it wasn’t sustainable once my son was born.

I still loved God, but I didn’t trust Him.

I still loved God, but I was angry with Him.

How could I teach my son God’s love, when I was still processing who He was to me?

God had entrusted me with this beautiful baby boy, and yet I felt so much shame. I was ashamed that I missed the freedom of my old life before giving birth. I was ashamed that I had postpartum depression and couldn’t connect with my son. And the biggest affront to me was that I could not surrender my son and family to God. Growing up, the only moments I felt safe was when I was the one in control. This has always been my biggest struggle in my relationship with Jesus. And becoming a mother compounded this fear even more. It wasn’t just about me anymore, I now have the responsibility of my son. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t pray the words, “God, I give you control of my son.” I could not physically let these words leave my mouth because they felt so dishonest and wrong. Truthfully, I felt that I could do a better job of protecting my son than God could, and this realization terrified me.

One night, I was putting my son down to sleep. In my heart, I knew that I couldn’t possibly control everything in my son’s life. I could do everything possible to try to make it perfect, yet I will still miss something. I may overlook a lesson to be taught, lose my patience, miss the signs and symptoms of an illness… the list goes on. And eventually he will leave the safe little bubble of home that I created for him, and I will have to let go one day. With all these thoughts in mind, I felt myself pray, “God, fill in the gaps that I missed in raising my son today.”

If I couldn’t completely place my family into God’s hands, at least I could do this. I couldn’t give up control all at once, but at least I could give God little by little the aspects of life that I know I can’t control. At that moment, I felt true peace and honesty in my heart that I hadn’t felt for years in my prayer life. And this has become my nightly prayer for my son.

I may not be at a place where I can confidently trust God to take care of my family. But I’ve accepted the fact that trusting God again will take time. In fact, there is no one point in my relationship with Jesus that is ever at a standstill. I used to believe I always had to be in a “perfect” place with God, and if that position wavered just a bit, my faith was in trouble somehow. But a relationship is just that, a journey toward one another that is constantly in motion. God does not call me to be quick; He asks me to be honest. If I didn’t experience these growing pains in my motherhood journey, maybe it would have taken me a lot longer to face my emotions and to answer God’s call for honesty.

Every journey to motherhood is a unique and beautifully messy experience. I write these words to encourage the perfectionist mother, the shamed mother, and the fearful mother. These labels do not define us; they only shed light on where we need God in our lives so that we can experience His grace and freedom from shame. It’s the same grace that God gives us by accepting us fully and where we are at this very moment, whether we feel gratefulness, anger, fear, etc. We may not be the women that we desire to be yet, and maybe we will always be wanting to become the version of ourselves we envisioned to be. But I believe that time is on our side because God gives us time to grow. He allows me to process my emotions and thoughts because He can handle them. He can handle me.

I am the mom my son needs even when I feel inadequate because of God who stands in the gap for me.

Meet the Writer:

Amy is a first time mom and a clinical pharmacist who resides in the northwest suburbs of Chicago with her husband, son, and two fur babies. When she’s not busy chasing them around, you can find her reading historical fiction, watching Gilmore Girls, or drinking a lot of coffee.