Releasing Control

By Jennifer Ko

Becoming a mother is known to be a large transition. For me, it was a season during which I learned that God is in control and I am His daughter. It took becoming a mother to learn this. To give everyone some context, I gave birth to my first baby the day before my orthodontic residency started. I had gone through postpartum depression during most of my residency, which spanned three years. The tail end of my residency happened to be in the middle of quarantine. Life suddenly became still, and I had time on my hands to reflect. 

To say the past 3 years were hard is an understatement. It was the most difficult time of my life so far. I was surprised because I had always thought, “Since my dad passed when I was young, that was probably the hardest thing I’ll ever have to go through.” I always thought “It’s going to be so awesome from this point on because what else can happen? I’ve already gone through the hardest point of my life.” Growing up, a lot of adults had reassured me and said things like this intending for the best, but I really believed it. Having that kind of mentality set me up for having a hard time when anything difficult happened because my “planned” life didn’t have any room for difficulties. In other words, I expected everything in my life to be perfect. 

In fact, I demanded it. When I reflect on my prayer life, I had always asked for things from God… Please give me this, give me that. Thank God He gave me just what I needed: a wake-up call to see that my focus in life was not healthy for me. 

Like all aspects of my life, I envisioned and expected my residency years to be perfect. I had the perfect plan laid out. I would get into orthodontic residency, study as hard as I can, get pregnant in my last year, get the perfect job, set up the perfect house for my future family, then my baby would arrive. The perfect plan right? I didn’t give it any wiggle room. I didn’t give any thought whatsoever on what God had wanted for me. Everything had to go my way. The past three years (including my pregnancy) were very difficult for me not because my situation was impossible, but because my expectations and plans were utterly shattered. My perfect plan did not pan out the way I had expected, and I couldn’t handle it. 

The biggest regret I have is that I couldn’t handle my emotions and situation with grace. I had hurt a lot of people in the process, and I wish I can take back some things that I’ve said and done. The dissatisfaction, guilt (of being a terrible mom, wife, and resident), and fear for the future manifested in some very ugly ways. Although I can never take back my actions, I can grow and move forward.  Here are some of the things I have learned.

Postpartum depression is REAL. I had never gone through depression prior to these three years. I was in deep denial when my loved ones carefully approached me and told me I may have it. I definitely had it. It felt like a cloud was constantly hanging over me. I felt like I was in a deep pit of hopelessness, which brings me to point #2 of what I learned. 

For everything there is a season. Everyone goes through highs and lows. Every high passes just like every low passes. I used to not understand this. I didn’t know how to gracefully let the highs pass and how to brace myself for the lows. I’m still figuring this out, but I think the key is your method of coping changes, just like you change through life. A method that had worked once in the past may not work in the future. It’s helpful to be flexible and flow like water to maneuver your ups and downs with grace.

Do not let your emotions rule you. Your emotions are not reliable all the time. There are times to listen to them and there are times you shouldn’t. Most of the time they’re telling, but there are some instances when your emotions are heightened/extreme (ex: during depression, stress, etc). My emotions start to get skewed when I’m stressed. I’ve learned that it’s not always prudent to count on them when making important decisions. There are times when they can be a good source, but there are other times when facts matter more than feelings.

Not everything someone says is about you. Don’t take things personally. You will have interactions with people that you perceive as negative. Oftentimes, it is not entirely because of you or what you did. You will learn to understand, people are emotional beings and they may be going through something or something may have happened before their interaction with you that caused them to react poorly. 

Assume the best in people. This is not my natural tendency. However, I’m learning that this is better for my mental health than assuming the worst in people. By assuming the worst you are more inclined to grow bitter and angry. 

Don’t expect life to be perfect. This may be obvious for others, but it was a huge lesson for me. The key is expectations. When I expected things to be perfect, I set myself up for disappointment. With countless disappointments tagged along resentment, dissatisfaction, sorrow, then ultimately depression. I just kept thinking this isn’t right, that isn’t right, this is wrong.

Be grateful. Being grateful truly allows one to see what is amazing in life. Although things may not align with your idea of perfection, learning how to be grateful helps you see all the good things you do have. Don’t discount all the gifts you have in life, even if you don’t think it’s the ‘best’ because you don’t know every single aspect of life. 

Try to think outside of yourself. Our tendency in tough times is to focus inward and be self-focused. It’s important to realize that even when things are hard, you always have something to give to others, even if it’s a simple smile. You can give encouragement to those around you. Diverting negative focus from yourself to positive focus on others helps break the painful cycle of self-centeredness. 

Cherish the now. You’ll never get a moment back, You’ll never be able to repeat a moment. Enjoy the now even if it’s hard. Remember, there's a season for everything. Enjoy and appreciate the ups when they come. There’s no need to feel guilty for your mountaintop moments, but do think about others too. Respect that during your high, someone may be in the middle of their own valley and they may need your help. Help people when you can, even during your valleys. And remember, this is a season.

You are a work in progress, no matter how old you are or get. Why? Because nobody will ever be perfect except God. Don’t ever think you’re done growing. Don’t ever be fully satisfied with yourself. I don’t mean not to be joyful. I mean be humble and always be ready to learn. 

God is good ALL THE TIME. He is present all the time. He is rooting for you. Always know that someone is ALWAYS for you. ALWAYS. 

I’m still working on all of the above and more. Hopefully, I’ve become better and will become a better person as I learn and grow more. I hope the same for my children and others in the future.

With Love,

Jennifer Ko

Meet the writer:

Jennifer Ko is 32 years old, and during the week she works as an orthodontist. When she’s not working she loves spending time with her family and friends.