Written by Sara Odicio

I grew up in a Christian home but it wasn't until my college years in learning about the theological concept of 'Adoption', when I began to see my adoption as a significant part of my testimony in coming to a personal relationship with Jesus. When I heard the term, 'Adoption' explained as a vital step of the Salvation process, it spoke powerfully to my heart and soul in a deeply personal way. I began to see my adoption as a significant part of my testimony in coming to a personal relationship with Jesus.”

It was then that I truly felt God's grace in my life - when the realization hit me that I could have been placed in any family, but God, foreknowingly orchestrated me to be placed in a loving, godly home where I would grow in wisdom and grace and later come to join His family through salvation.

Since then, I have sought healing from Him first and foremost, and even though my questions and hurt still confront me, they do not come from a place of bitter soul-searching, but rather from a place of curiosity and empathy with the assurance of my identity coming from only Him.

I wrote the following letter back in early 2020 as a therapy assignment at the time. This letter soon became a turning point in my healing journey. It was the moment when I identified my hurts as only a part of my story and entrusted Myself to care for that part of me – my baby self who was thrusted into scary unknowns. Since writing this letter, and by God’s grace, I have been able to grieve deeply, make sense of my story and release control. Thank you for holding space for the emotion-filled words that you are about to read.

Dear Baby Yang Zhi Hong,

I wanted to write to you and express my hurt and sorrow for you. You have felt such big feelings of fear, worry, concern, and surprise which has turned into insecurity, shame and distrust of others.

I don’t completely understand what it felt like the moment you were conceived and living and growing into the womb of a Chinese woman who maybe knew she had to give you away. She may have felt pressure and deep stress from others. She may have felt alone and scared for the future. Whatever she was going through, you were going through too, as you were growing within her.

I don’t completely understand what it was like to be born, whether privately, or in a hospital and then be held by the Chinese woman who probably had a mixture of joy and deep sadness, knowing what she could or couldn't do next. You took in her expressions and emotions and it implanted your own feelings of concern and fear.

I don’t completely understand what it was like to be born into a culture of communism, in the time of the One Child Policy where everyone felt watched or pressured not to do the unacceptable things.

I don’t completely understand how you felt, what you saw, what you smelled and what you thought when you were left somewhere all alone. Maybe it was in a quiet dark hiding spot, or maybe it was in a busy public space like in a market or in a general hospital. You must have cried a lot. You must have wanted the Chinese woman to come pick you up and surround you with her arms.

I don’t completely understand what you experienced when you were found by someone and then brought to an orphanage. You probably were with many other children and shared a crib with one or two. You probably were fed and cared for by unfamiliar Chinese women. You probably felt connected to the other babies and alone and sorrowful all at the same time. All I know is that it was probably A LOT to take in and deal with all alone.

I don’t completely understand how it felt when you were placed in the arms of a White woman who had a familiar expression that you saw before, the same expression of joy that you saw on the Chinese woman's face when you were first born...except the White woman did not have deep sadness mixed in her expression - just pure joy, peace and relief. This must have been confusing for you and I’m sure you didn’t feel the same feelings of joy, peace and relief. I bet you felt fear and worry.

I don’t completely understand the process that you went through of seeing the White woman as someone who didn’t look like you to someone who cared for you and met your needs. It must have felt good to have someone’s full attention and respond to your cries. Maybe you felt guilty and like you were betraying the Chinese woman that you were with for nine months. Whatever you felt, I’m sure it impacted your relationship with the White woman.

I’ve only seen a handful of pictures of you in China. There are a lot more of you in America. In the pictures your expressions of fear slowly turned to happiness and comfort. All I know is how I feel now and even though I don’t completely understand what you went through, I can tell you that I have feelings of fear, worry and concern that still impact my relationships with others. I think it’s okay for me to not completely understand your situations and I think it’s still important for you to know that it’s okay to accept people’s love even when you have the scared feelings.

Just because I don’t know the answers to your experiences, doesn’t mean I can’t care for you. I want to take care of your hurts and fears. I want you to know that you are worthy of love. I don’t have to completely understand in order to love you completely.

Love,
Sara

Dear Baby Yang Zhi Hong

It was then that I truly felt God's grace in my life - when the realization hit me that I could have been placed in any family, but God, foreknowingly orchestrated me to be placed in a loving, godly home where I would grow in wisdom and grace and later come to join His family through salvation.

Since then, I have sought healing from Him first and foremost, and even though my questions and hurt still confront me, they do not come from a place of bitter soul-searching, but rather from a place of curiosity and empathy with the assurance of my identity coming from only Him.

Releasing Control

Goodbye Religion