Jesus, My teacher
Written by Kari Lee
Out of the hundreds of things I can share from this past year of, what sometimes felt like torture, I want to talk about how my view of children and myself has been, and is being, redeemed!
As someone who has never worked full time before, this past year was one of the most challenging years in my young adult life. I was hired at a Chicago Public School (CPS), located in the south side. I taught at Gunsaulus Scholastic Academicy, which is a predominantly Mexican elementary school. I worked with grades 6-8, and I taught both science and history to each grade.
This past year, there were many instances where I felt personally attacked by some of my students. I was often left feeling offended, humiliated, hurt, and defeated. At first, I was convinced that I had to be strict and unbending with children who had behavioral problems. I thought that they were poorly raised, rotten, immature kids; as their teacher, I told myself the right thing to do was to play the “parent” role in school, and discipline them when need be. This left me feeling so burnt out and emotionally exhausted. I felt “mean” all the time, and I rarely found myself smiling at students. Before coming to work, I felt anxious and tired, anticipating something bad to happen (which often times, it did.)
I came to a breaking point where I wanted to quit because consequences were not enough to “fix” some behavioral problems. It was while I was looking into different jobs when an older teacher, and colleague told me that, “Kids are not thinking about you, the teacher, when they are misbehaving.” To put it simply, misbehaving kids do not care about their teacher! This is because almost always, a childs’ “bad” actions are a reflection of a deeper hurt or pain. Once I understood that kids do not care about how they are treating me, I was able to look at insults and misbehavior as an objective symptom of something deeper.
Towards the end of the year, God completely redeemed how I see misbehaving students, and transformed the way I handled behavioral problems. I came to understand that kids are hurting, insecure people who have not been taught to manage their feelings in healthy ways. As a result, I have learned to tackle behavioral issues a lot more calmly, and a lot more emotionally detached . God redeemed the way I saw children by showing me that kids are not just beings to be babied and treated like lesser creatures. They are not waiting to be told what to do. They are growing people that are learning every day how to be independent adults. Their actions are a direct result of not knowing how to treat others and treat themselves!
Redeeming my view on myself
The second thing God redeemed this past year, was my view on myself. I started off this year feeling so insecure and anxious. To sum it up, I saw myself as someone who was incapable, quiet, unlikeable, and unqualified. I though that through hard work, I would be able to become more qualified.
Similar to my view on children, it wasn’t until the end of the year that God started to redefine and redeem the way I see myself. God showed me that I’m not qualified, but through him, I have nothing to worry about. In a matter of fact, no one is qualified, so if no one is qualified, then there are no expectations on me to perform, but only to trust God and rely on him. I was able to see that whether I was placing expectations on myself, or trusting in God, the results of my hard labor were the same. What changed the most was my mindset, energy, and heart. I felt a lot more peace, rejuvenation, and joy letting go, and trusting in God with ANY result rather than placing the expectation to be a perfect teacher on myself. This directly affected how I LOVED my students and myself! This change in mindset and shift in spiritual understanding gave me strength to focus on Him, and focus on what was important! By March, my mindset moved away from “endless” struggles, and towards what God WAS doing in my life and classroom. I was fueled to blindly love others with a genuine heart: without bitterness, expectations, or self-hate.
God is constantly doing restorative work as long as we trust and rely in Him. This past year has been a whirlwind of situations, emotions, and new experiences (both good and bad.) BUT, I can confidently say that God has given me a renewed mindset and renewed strength for next year. I actually look forward to challenging myself and trying new strategies to love others and be more resilient through Christ.
I pray you feel encouraged to persist through whatever you are going through. Don’t give up and push through hardship with Christ. Don’t regret anything and don’t be discouraged to try new things or ask for help. Lean on the Godly people around you and think/feel through hardships! Find solutions that strengthen you and please God. Let God redeem your difficult moments and create them into learning experiences that shape you into the person you are meant to be.
Kari Lee is a 24 year old Korean-American woman, She graduated from university last year, and she recently completed my first year as a teacher. She got married at 21, and has been living in Chicago with her husband since. She grew up in a Korean Presbyterian church, but she had her first real encounter with God at the age of 15. Ever since then, she’s been following Jesus (despite all the ups and down).